I was reading through a couple of new comments I found when I came across a new comment about my entry about America. This person said that also America stereotypes Australians. Anyway it made me think back to about four years ago when my dad was working in Derby and he and an American guy were sending joke emails back and forward. My dad printed them off and gave them to me when I was eleven so I’ve decided to publish them. Please read, I promise you’ll find them really funny. Bear in mind they were written in 2000.

To the citizens of the United States of America. In the light of your failure to elect a president of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who are not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4^th is no longer a public holiday. November 8^th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Thank you for you cooperation.

This is the reply from America……….

However, we regretfully decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten you have little or no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realise that language is an organic structure, and that you aren’t always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let’s use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name aluminum (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the_original_spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We’d also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However we’d like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we’ll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 – 98.5 = 1.15 and 100 – 97.85 = 2.15).
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don’t rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting" and "The Full Monty". We’ve also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn’t exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you’re doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It’s inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it’s toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle in the Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men’s soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt ‘n’ Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there’s a reason why the best food in your country is Indian and Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm bear and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realise the French aren’t the spawn of satan they’ll teach you how to cook.
8. You’re doing a terrible job of understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it’s easier to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That’s why we bought the companies.
9. We’ll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

Let me know what you think. I thought it was quite funny. School ends in two weeks so I should have time to think up some better entries soon.